It has taken me nearly two years to come to some kind of terms with what happened – Covid hasn’t helped.
Leaving my daughter Leila behind…
In Dubai with her dad was the hardest thing to do but it’s a sacrifice I had to make because of our dumb-ass Brexit. Thankfully her step mum is a legend and Leila is really well looked after and now has a baby sister. (Oh yeah, did I mention my ex got re-married and had a baby girl? Everyone has moved on and that kinda hurts…)
Losing my independence
I’ve always been a Go-Go-Go, career driven kind of woman. I was doing multiple courses such as Marketing, HR, Reiki, boxing etc etc… I was always on the go, and if it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t me. If you ask me I had a nervous break down 😉 That’s the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. Relying on other people’s schedules, not always being able to do things my way, and having to let other take care of me.
Learning to trust other people…
And relying on others for help was maddening and in the early days when I was high as a kite on a million meds I’d still try to do everything alone. Having a carer with me 24/7 is stifling…Just IN CASE I have a seizure. Why depend on others if super woman can do it her self? Well, I’ve just come to terms that I can’t do everything by myself for now. I know I’ll heal, but I don’t know when. To be fair, I don’t even know what ‘to heal’ means now.
Coming off my first anti epileptic med was a true win
I was ecstatic. It was like going from being a drug addict to a normal human being. Little did I know the med that was holding my fragile world together made me regress rapidly physically. But did I really care about the physical side if I was making such a mental improvement? Of course I wanted it all. When will I get better, what can I expect? These were all questions no-one was prepared to answer. But I had 4 years in my mind so when 4 years came and went I was pretty bummed.
The shame of being in a wheelchair…
And having to relearn everything from scratch was truly tough. Having people help me do the smallest things was horrid. When even making a sandwich felt like climbing Everest, I had no choice. This is where I realised just how bad my trust issues were….
The fatigue was a tough one to handle too
At the start when I was off caffeine, I needed my 2-3 hr nap just to get through the day. I was always tired. The concoction of meds I was on made me tired all the time… Yet I soldiered on, even on my 40th birthday I was up and ready at physiotherapy.
